Don't want to be a fuss....

"But you need him..."

I snivelled quietly and dried my eyes, red and puffy sat on the sofa of my ex-husband, who has become a good friend since we separated.

"I know, but what If I need him more later? I don't want to be a fuss. Besides he has... well... you know, he doesn't like travelling and he was here a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to cause a fight with his mum, she already thinks I ask too much..."

I trail off mumbling. I'm in bits,  thirty minutes earlier I'd been absolutely fine, watching Toy Story 3 on the telly (Such a child at heart) and at the end, I always do, I cried.

Which was a mistake.

I crumbled as I sat there, flood gates finally opened and had sobbed until I couldn't breathe, all the fear, the worry, the loneliness, the size of the diagnosis, everything was just - too big - I couldn't process it.

I'd been needing to cry since I'd gone into hospital, but I rarely break down, and if I do, its sure as hell not in public.

I get a grip and carry on.

"Just tell him you need him here."

I shake my head and mumble a reply.

"What? Didn't catch that."

"I already have."

I knew why he hadn't come over, so many reasons. The primary one being my partner doesn't like conflict, so he had avoided conflict at home with family by staying put. And I didn't have it in me to shout.

At this point my Ex (We shall call him - hmm - Fred will do) was sat on the other sofa staring at me in disbelief.

"And he's not..."

I shook my head. Fred's reaction was just dumbfounded disbelief, he opened his mouth several times but decided against saying anything. He realised there was nothing he could say that hadn't already run through my head.

Because that's what it comes down to. People think I'm too proud, too stubborn to ask for help when I need it.

It's not that.

I don't want to be a fuss.

I'm the sort of person who if I've fallen and needed an x-ray, I apologise to staff for wasting their time when it isn't broken.

At around that point Skype on my laptop bleeped. My good friend Tan was checking in on me. I explained in brief that I'd asked my partner to come over, and he hadn't taken the hint.

A chat flashed up with me, my partner and Tan in it.

[Tan]: Tell him.

After stuttering a few sentences, I did. Everything fell out of my head onto the keyboard, I wrote a huge mass of text of everything that was going through my head, that I was sorry but I wouldn't ask if I could cope  alone. Pleaded with him to visit.

"not sure if I can this weekend, cause its really short notice, which will turn out into a fight with my parents which will make things even worse"

That, was the point I snapped.

I was rude, harsh, unreasonable, hurt, and explained that right now I needed him, and I was sick of being the one having to wait, that if he so completely wanted to be with me, then wasn't I worth fighting for.

I apologised to Tan, shut the machine and went out. Shopping. At an all night supermarket at 1am. Like a normal person does.

About an hour later, a message flashed up.

He'd booked a flight.

He flies in tonight.

I am so grateful, so relieved.

And now feel so guilty.

That I bullied him into it.

I shouldn't have.

I don't like making a fuss.

I have an MRI scan tomorrow.

Am I selfish? All I want is a hug, to hold his hand and for him to 'be there' when I need him most.

I feel, so guilty. For asking for this, for me.

- Cookie.